A Thank You Message for Fanfiction Readers Begins
by Lasgalendil
Summary: Wherein I express my sincerest and deepest gratitude and sympathies for your misguided fantasies and erotic obsessions—Jonathan Crane MD, PhD.


Are we all present?

...Yes. Yes. I can see we're all gathered now.

You—you there in the back. Don't leave. You're welcome here, too. We're always happy to meet new friends and faces here at Fangirls Anonymous. Don't be afraid, your attendance at this meeting will be kept strictly confidential. I assure you, your participation here is voluntary, and your identity will remain entirely anonymous. Come in, come in, welcome, welcome. Help yourself to the provided donuts and coffee, courtesy of the Arkham Asylum Community Foundation. We've worked hard to make this a comforting and inviting place for you.

…I mean, it's not as if you're about to spill your deepest, darkest secrets and disturbingly violent erotic fantasies someplace public like the internet. _Surely._

(Perhaps a poor choice of words…)

Shall I go first? Well then: Hello. My name is Jonathan Crane, and I'm a survivor of domestic violence. Throughout my life I have been diagnosed with multiple mental health issues. I'm sure by now many of you have heard of some of my more recent relapses, but I would instead like to direct today's talk towards some of my earliest childhood memories. Sharing these, I have found, can be so much more cathartic.

Where shall I begin? My mother abandoned me, my grandmother exorcised me, and my great-grandmother locked me in a shed to starve. Child Services was alerted, and did nothing as an intervention. I subsequently spent all my childhood alone, with an extremist fundamental religious upbringing that caused permanent sexual repression and associated guilt. Later, when I did begin to explore my sexuality, the woman I loved humiliated me before our peers so I had her and her lover killed. Any questions?

Some of my many resulting psychologists have said these earliest childhood memories may lead to developing antisocial personality disorder, narcissism, and may explain my continued asexuality and early outbursts of violence against women.

…What's _your_ excuse?

Oh, I've read all the little journals you've all been keeping. Don't act so surprised—I _am_ your psychiatrist of choice, aren't I? (Although statistically speaking, there are a few Quinzel…_fans_ among you. It's also my educated hypothesis they make you all uncomfortable, don't they?) I know writing can be therapeutic, but these? These make me _shiver._ And I've been studying the primal instinct of feel for a long, long time. You might even say it's my specialty.

But I'm here to nurture you, not judge. Let us observe and discuss, then, some of the underlying themes of some of these journal entries, to see if we might shed some light. The first step to a cure, as you might guess, is a proper DSM-IV diagnosis.

Ah, yes. I'm afraid the lack of understanding of the complexities of grammar is a result of your inattention during your federally funded free education that you disregarded with ingratitude. That, or blatant carelessness. But for now, let us take the kinder approach and assume it is the tragic result of undiagnosed and untreated Attention Deficit Disorder or Absence Seizures. Although given the alarming alacrity of mistakes concerning the usage of semi-colons, we may have to pursue the possibility of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Are you corrupting this grammar _purposefully_? (If so, there is a fellow OCD sufferer in the audience by the name of Nashton who has so graciously agreed to meet you afterword. Just be sure to wash your hands.).

Secondly, we come to the nearly universal issue of screen names and summaries, wherein you consistently demonstrate your constant demand for attention and lack of self-sufficiency, yet repeatedly fail in maintaining even a minutia of interest from your desired audience. A cycle, tragically, that I find you repeating over and over again to no result, which is the very definition of insanity.

Finally we come to the crux of the matter: Freudian Theory and the Kinsey Report.

…and I'm afraid, in your case, the answer is _yes. _

Yes. _Yes _your obsession with comedic homosexual pairings both relays your deep misunderstanding and misgivings about your own sexuality as well as your immaturity in rational perception of anything that contradicts your rather limited worldview.

Yes, _yes_ your constant contradictions in choice of ideal lover reveal your subconscious realization and subsequent anxiety that there may not be such a thing as true love, or mutual monogamy, despite what popular culture or your parents tell you.

Yes, _yes_ your graphic depiction of sexual intercourse with men twice your age uncovers your uncertainty over your relationship with your nonexistent or unworthy father-figure.

Yes, _yes_ your deliberate escapism into a world of fantasy and perfect lovers permanently precludes your ability to find happiness or fulfillment in a real relationship.

Yes, _yes_ your religious obsession with the detailed physical appearance of your so-named "Other Female Characters" belies your own shallow perceptions of beauty, and reveals your own deep-seated doubts about your personal worth (Don't worry-you were right all along. You really are being judged on your physical appearance alone. And no. It will never be good enough. I find honesty to be the best policy in dealing with such delusions, don't you?).

And finally—and most disconcertingly—_Yes_. Yes your fixation on violent rape and your disturbing habit of referring to it flippantly as 'non-con' is, quite frankly, _repulsive._

Does anyone else want to share?

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Anyone?

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Anything?

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…_No one?_

_._

_._

_._

(…Bueller?)

…Well. I hope we've all learned a lesson today. One in the healing power of sharing. One in trust. One in openness. One in understanding and communication. One that reminds you, constantly, that no matter how open or sexually carefree your internet alter-ego might be, you're still humiliated to discuss your multifold psychological issues in person.

Until next week, my little flock. Don't forget to delete your browser history. How I do enjoy our little…sessions.

* * *

**AN: For more disturbingly sincere sarcasm, see A Thank You Message to Fanfiction Readers Returns and A Thank You Message to Fanfiction Readers Rises.**


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